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London 2012 Olympics… But We Need a Hydroponics Olympics Too

  • Written by  Nigel Salazar
Is this man fast enough to win the Olympics gold medal in HID bulbs obstacle course? Is this man fast enough to win the Olympics gold medal in HID bulbs obstacle course?


Wow, the USA women's Olympic gymnasts make me want to join a gymnastics club. Congratulations on the gold medals, ladies! I'm also lovin' the London 2012 Olympics boxing, diving, soccer, gymnastics, basketball, mountain biking, track and field, and especially the women's beach volleyball events!

Who ever knew that bikinis could be so interesting?

And what about poor Mitt Romney, who won the Olympic gold medal for the foot in mouth and offending the Brits events.

My buds and I are watching the London 2012 Olympics , and we all agree--there should be a “Hydroponics Olympics.”

Let’s take a look at our Hydroponics Olympics events:

Hydroponics Olympics Big Bale Carry

Let’s find the heaviest bales of soil mix we can find, maybe a bale of Pro-Mix, or a sack of Fox Farm Ocean Forest.

Hydroponics growers deserve their own Olympics!

Our competition course is like what outdoor growers often face: a very steep hill with rocks, mud and large, loose boulders.

Contestants gather at the bottom of the hill. They select and carry as much soil mix as they can, in three minutes.

Whoever hauls the most weight to the top wins the Hydroponics Olympics Gold.

If you fall, or drop a bale or bag so it breaks or spills soil, you’re out. Better luck at the Hydroponics Olympics 2016.

Magnetic Core and Coil Ballast Throw

If there’s one piece of hydroponics equipment I’m tired of, it’s magnetic core and coil ballasts. And I’m sure you’re tired of them too.

Heavy, hummy, and hot, they burn out your bulbs and your mind. Digital ballasts work better and make more sense.

So let’s put these heavy ballast beasts to good use. Instead of the shot put or discus, we throw these monster ballasts as far as we can.

Contestants can bring their own ballasts, but whoever throws the heaviest ballast gets points added on.

The Hydroponics Olympics gold medal goes to whoever throws the heaviest ballast the longest distance.

Look out--another piece of old school hydroponics equipment is in the air!

HID Bulb Obstacle Course

This Olympics event combines hydroponics grow light knowledge with physical strength and finesse.

Competing athletes bring their own HID bulbs and compete on a viciously rugged course similar to U.S. Marines obstacle courses.

The competitors get banged up, they fall down, they slip and slide, they climb, jump, shimmy, and roll.

Without using special clothing or other protective equipment, their goal is to guard those bulbs so they remain intact and fully functional despite the shakes, rattles, and rolls.

When they get to the end of the course, the judges plug their bulbs in and measure lumens and photosynthetically active radiation (PAR). The HID bulbs that still work, and generate the best and most light, determine the Hydro Olympics gold medal winner.

Olympics Hydroponics pH Balancing and Adjusting Event

Contestants are provided standardized, calibrated pH meters and reservoirs containing reverse osmosis water with verified identical starting pH.

Using their own pH adjusting fluids and skills, this Olympics event features three timed trials to determine who can adjust the water pH to 5.9 the fastest.

Please note: Growers who spill pH adjusting fluids are immediately disqualified.

Hydroponics Garden 12-bucket Drip Irrigation Set-Up Olympics Event

Each contestant is provided an identical kit of parts that can be assembled into a 12-bucket drip irrigation system, complete with reservoir and pump.

They’re given a time limit, and a couple of tools.

In this Hydroponics Olympic event, time of completion is a main factor the judges are looking at, and not just time, but skill, because judges scrutinize the completed systems to see whose assembly and placement are the best.

Leaks, twisted tubes, and poor placement of drip emitters will cost you points.

As you can see, our Hydroponics Olympics is guaranteed more exciting than watching the badminton or ping-pong events at the London 2012 Olympics. Ready to compete? Me too. But until NBC and the International Olympic Committee recognize the tremendous athleticism required from those of us in the sport of hydroponics gardening, I’ll rely on my big harvests as the only gold medals I’ll be seeing this year.

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Last modified on Sunday, 12 August 2012 19:48

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