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10 Surefire Ways to Avoid Having a Seatmate on a Plane Trip

Ah, the luxury of single seating and more legroom! Ah, the luxury of single seating and more legroom!

You settle into your airline seat - and see the 250 pound woman heading your way… or the dude sneezing furiously into a handful of crumpled tissues… or (god forbid) the young girl with the screaming baby in her lap. What do you do?

Tired of always getting stuck next to public enemy number one on long airline flights? Here are a few tips and tricks you can use to avoid unwelcome next seat travelers - at least, if the plane isn’t completely full. Study the methods and use them correctly and you’ll never have to endure a 6 hour flight next to an asthmatic snorer again!

  1. Seat yourself early and pull out a bag of Cheetos. Proceed to eat them noisily and messily and wipe your fingers on the seat beside you, scattering crumbs far and wide. This will serve as a natural repellent to most other travelers. (Note: have wet wipes handy to clean yourself up with.)
  2. ‘Accidentally’ spill a whole bottle of water on the seat next to you. Then apologize profusely and ask for help cleaning it up. No-one wants to sit on a wet seat!
  3. Immediately upon finding your seat, scramble around and find the barf bag. Hunch over and gag a little into it. No-one wants to sit next to a potential chunk hurler.
  4. As soon as you sit down, spread an array of religious pamphlets (preferably Jehovah’s Witness or Church of Latter Day Saints) across the adjoining seat and offer copies to all the people in seats around you. Talk about how you are in the missionary stage of your spiritual walk and look forward to sharing your faith during the trip. Make sure to mention how you just know the Lord will send you a soul to save today.
  5. Pretend to be asleep and snore loudly. A slight amount of drool augments this particular trick. If you can, drape your arm carelessly over the divider onto the seat next to you so anyone wishing to sit there will have to wake you by moving it.
  6. Whip out a turban and fake beard and don them in the bathroom of the plane. (You’ll have already passed security, so no worries there.) Then get in your seat and glare ferociously at all who pass by, muttering under your breath. They’ll assume you’re a possible terrorist and leave you alone. (Thank god for profiling!)
  7. Scratch at yourself - if you have a scab, fuss at it, and also pick your nose and continually rake your fingers over your scalp. People will think you have fleas, bedbugs or lice and back away.
  8. Put your iPod earphones in and sing along completely out of key as other passengers board. This works almost every single time.
  9. If someone does try to sit next to you, say, “I’m so sorry - I’ll apologize in advance! I’m lactose intolerant and I just had a big milkshake. This is gonna be a smelly flight!” A fart noise will help inestimably at this juncture, especially if you appear very upset and embarrassed. The potential seat mate will flee.
  10. Finally, you can simply look wild eyed and ask each person who tries to sit beside you “Are you my mother? My mother is supposed to sit here…. Are you my mother? Are you? Are you my mother? Mommy!” Make sure to only do this when the stewardess is not looking and to profess to not know what "that crazy person" is talking about if they report you.

(RosebudMag.com does not accept responsibility if the turban trick goes awry and you wind up in Guantanamo Bay! :-)

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You think your seatmate is annoying? Try these pilots...
Last modified on Monday, 24 September 2012 17:52

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